First Day In Heaven......

First Day In Heaven.....
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Knock-knock-knock…..I lightly knocked on the massive door.

"Hello?….God, ya in there?” I asked holding my ear up to the door. “St. Peter told me this was the right room."

(From other side of door) "Hang on…be right there." Came the booming voice.

After a brief pause there came the sound of a flushing toilet, then sink water running.

(The door opens. God steps out drying his hands)

"How can I help ya, son?" God says walking past me and heading back to his other throne.

"Um….just got killed….need to ask you a few questions." I replied

"Really?….How'd it happen?" God asks…eyebrows raised.

"I figured you'd know….." I said…somewhat surprised. "Anyway, people always told me to watch out for cars while I'm walking downtown. Got hit by a handi-cap van, knocked me into an ambulance and finally a hearse ran me over."

"Kind of ironic, no? ..and I guess that would explain the bandages….and the crutches." God said with a chuckle.

"Yeah I figured they'd disappear once I got up here. What, am I in a cartoon?"

No answer.

"Anyway….couple questions for you, God…about the state of Earth down there. Um…by the way. I heard a toilet flush in that other room. Do you …well, you know..?"

"Made all you humans in my own image…don't you read the Bible." God answered.

"Yeah…but, when you flush – where does it go?" I asked.

"New Jersey – Fresno, California and a little town called Nampa, Idaho…ever heard of it?" God answered.

"No." I lied..not wanting to admit it. "So, back to what I was asking…..what's up with earth? All the people fighting…cheating…killing each other. Plus I have so many smaller questions – such as why is it that most DSL subscribers have such low IQ s….and Robin Williams…How'd he get famous? The guy's not even funny?"

"He had a deal with the Devil on that one. Not my fault. Can't stand the man myself." God answered shaking his head. "The rest of the world?…Well I sent my kid down there and you guys killed him.

"Ya mean Jesus?" I asked.

"Yeah….still can't believe I gave him a Mexican name." God said, staring into space and shaking his head. "He's a Jew!…..Shoulda called him Jerry….like that Steinfield character."

“Seinfeld.”

“Whatever.”

"Uh…yeah…anyway back to the Earth's situation." I continued. "What's with all the trouble and chaos and destruction and what about all them dang Mormons?"

"Ah…the Mormons." God said, laughing. "Quite a few years ago I invested in Schwinn stock and I needed a way to drive up the price so I got that Joseph Smith guy to start that religion. He was pretty heavy into the whole Amway thing and could talk people into anything. He used to sell used horses before I recruited him for the whole LDS thing."

"Seems to me you should have invested in underwear…What's the story there with them wearing the special undies?" I inquired.

"Ever heard of 'The Devil Wears Prada'?" God continued. "….Prada makes all the Mormon underwear and Beelzebub gets the profits on that one. Had to kick him down a few bucks now and then. Besides the Mormons have a whole wing here in heaven….all the buildings look alike though. Kind of like their churches down there on earth.”

"Makes sense." I thought out loud. "You asked me earlier if I read my Bible….so is that really your book?"

"Yeah…I wrote most of it through those disciples. Matthew, Mark, Luke and what was the other guy….um…was it Ringo? I forget." God said looking up to the right like he was searching his brain.

"John." I answered.

"Right, John." God continued. "How could I forget him. Nice guy……lotsa hair…smelled like a dwarf. Anyway…those guys did my writing for me but then the whole thing went to the interpreters…through production…to the final edit….and well, it's just like Hollywood – when the final product came out it was a bit confusing."

"Yeah…I can see that. I've read some books…and then have seen the movie..nothing alike." I said…not really knowing why I said that. "So what's the thing with Adam and Eve and the story about throwing a fruit tree in the middle of their play area and then telling them they can have anything they want except the fruit on the tree...and if they take some fruit you're gonna fry ‘em in fire for eternity?"

"Yeah...I was kind of PMSing that day....you know, being God...I am part woman." He added.

I stared at Him blankly for a moment, then continued. "Isn't that kind of like me taking a couple of my kids and putting them in a room all by themselves....then throwing a plate of cookies in the center or the table....then telling them they can play with anything in the room, just don't eat the cookies.....then walking out and leaving them unsupervised? Of COURSE they're gonna eat the cookies!" I screamed as I looked at him with disbelief.

"Well that was Old Testament stuff ya know." God said, shrugging his mighty shoulders. "I had a lot going on back then. I was adding a wing on ta Heaven...the contractor was behind in his work and his bill came in twenty percent over his original estimate. I swear he snuck up here from Hell." God continued with his back to me, staring out the window towards the pearly gates. "I fixed a lot of that stuff with my grace teaching in the New Testament."

"Grace teaching?" I asked.

"Yeah...you know... 'by grace you be saved through faith...not of yo’selves..it's the gift of God...etc. etc...... hmmm never read it?" God looked perplexed as if everyone knew about that.

"I've heard it many times, because I’m a preacher’s kid....but I'll guarantee you ninety percent of humans have never heard of it down on your earth there." I added.

Just then Saint Peter came in. "Excuse me God.....can I have a quick word with you?"

"Yeah sure, Pete....whuttup?" God asked.

"Big earthquake in San Francisco. Gonna be expecting a few hundred people in a bit here. Where should we put them?" Saint Peter asked.

"Hmm.....well they'll probably be mostly gay so get a bunch of the frilly wings ready. Many of em will be surprised they made it up here...as usual."

"Very well, Sir." St. Peter replied as he turned to leave.

"Oh...one more thing, Pete." God continued. "Put up that sign that says ‘Welcome to the Westborough Baptist Church Picnic’ - That always freaks them out." God slapped his huge god-shaped knee and gave a riotous laugh.

"You are the king of practical jokes sir." St. Peter said as he walked out and closed the huge door behind him.

"Where were we?" God said turning his attention back to me.

"Well....I have a whole bunch of questions for you, but I guess I have an eternity to ask them, huh?" I said to him as he sat there looking at me.

"Tell ya what...." God said as he walked over to me and wrapped his huge hand around my shoulder and walked me towards the door. "If you ever have any questions...just ask. I'm always here for you. A lot of people have the wrong impression of me...either through how they were brought up, or how the TV or books portray me.... or how others have supposedly spoken for me. If you want to know about me...talk to me yourself. Ask me questions and I'll answer you...one way or another."

I felt much better. I walked towards the door and headed out to the rest of heaven. There were no more bandages on me, my crutches were gone. I felt like a kid again. I saw everything in a different light. I stepped out onto the beautiful street of gold, looked to the right and then to the left just as a huge bus was coming toward me. "Not again!" I thought. Then I felt a huge hand pull me back onto the curb as the bus went swooshing by.

"You're not a very quick learner, are you?" God said as he released his grip on me, turned and walked away down the street, throwing his head back and sending out a booming laugh.



Fun Fact of the Day: If ya can't laugh at yourself....laugh at other people. If other people laugh at you....there must be a reason. Fix it. I finally sold my propeller hat....and now I point and laugh at the person who bought it.