Stuffin' things is for the birds.......

My Very First and Last Taxidermy Attempt.

Steve Sarantitis was my best friend while I was growing up. I met him in first or second grade and we did everything together. He was an only child and he lived right down the street from me in San Francisco. I was always over at his house playing with his toys and eating his food.

If you ever saw the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding…..that was his family exactly, right down to the plastic on the couch and the bunch-o-grapes hanging lamps.

Steve's father and mother could not speak English very well, so when I would come to visit Mrs. Sarantitis would always feed me. "Eat, eat." She would say in her broken English. "It's good for you…good for you." And then she would pile food on a plate. His dad would lift up his wine glass and say "Grand-jury!" because he thought my name sounded like that. Then he would point to his wine and say "Grape-juice." They were both great people and were like my second parents.

Now, as you know, I came from a family with four kids and only my dad worked – for money that is. My mom probably worked harder just trying to keep four kids in line. Steve was an only child and both of his parents worked, so that meant more money…..and more toys, and more food for me when I visited, which made me happy to be there.

Along about twelve years old or so, Steve decided that he wanted to 'stuff stuff'…or in grown up terms, become a taxidermist. We were always fishing fish and hunting birds, so anything we caught or shot – Steve would cut open, shove a bunch o' stuffing into, and try to shape it back into its original form.

He was actually pretty good after a few years, but I think even he'd tell you his first tries were like something from a horror movie. Fish ain't supposed to have stitches showing and they ain't supposed to have only one eyeball – and I think the lips go on the front.

One time he shot a couple of birds and asked if I would like to try to taxidermize one with him. Why not?…I thought. If he can rip and tear, I can rip and tear. This is the only time in my life where I was wrong….ok I lied.

So I flopped the bird down on the table and tried to follow the same steps that Steve did.

Step 1….Take a scalpel and cut from just under the neck down to the belly button….if a bird had a belly button.

Step 2….Take all the guts out and lay 'em to the side for a sandwich later….maybe not.

Step 3….Put the faux bird stuffing all back in – and don't forget the fake eyes.

Step 4….Sew it all back together.

Sounds pretty easy.

Now Steve's bird came out very nice. Even looked like a real bird - sitting there with its little feet perched on a tree branch. Looked as though it could take off and fly.

My 'bird', on the other hand, looked real long and thin – like it had been run over...a couple of times. One eye was looking north, the other was looking pretty sad. I couldn't make it sit on my fake tree branch because I think I had one of the legs on backwards, oh...and both wings were on the same side.

There also was quite an absence of feathers on my 'bird'...especially on the breast of the bird where I had cut it open. And while Steve's stitching was hardly noticeable, mine kind of looked like a Converse tennis shoe….I don't think the big bow I made for the last stitch helped much either.

Needless to say, that was the last taxidermy project I ever attempted.

Steve said it looked pretty good for my first try…..but as I found out as I grew older…people lie.

---g



Fun Fact of the Day: The world famous Wax Museum at Fisherman's Wharf has made an exact replica of every US President, going back to Abraham Lincoln. For the last two years of President Bush's presidency...the wax figure has been running the country. It's true...look it up.

Happy Newest Year....!

Happy New Year…!

Big deal, right? Ok, since we’re on the subject, my New Year’s Revolution is to get people to see things my way. Ok? So every sentence will have to end that way…for the rest of the year. Everybody in agreeance with me? Ok…enough of that, all in favor say ‘aye’.

Why is it Happy New Year, Happy Hannnnukah, Happy Birthday, Happy Halloween, Happy Valentine’s Day, Happy Fourth of July, Happy Gilmore…Happy Boxing Day (for you Canadians, eh) but it’s Merry Christmas…? Just checkin’.

So this is the time of year where a large group of people make New Year’s Restitutions…and being that it’s a large group of people, it’s usually to lose weight. Only a small portion of that large group eats smaller portions to make them a smaller member of the large group. Also it’s a much smaller percentage of people that actually follow through with their New Year’s Repititions…so the larger group usually ends up getting larger still. I have no idea what I just typed.

Even though weight loss is the number one New Year’s Repstication…there are some others to be considered. Getting more organized. Stopping smoking. Exercising more.

I’ve already got the third one there handled. I removed a demon from one of my Steves earlier today. So the exorcising part is handled. As the demon was coming out of Steve’s body, he commenced to flopping around on the ground and knocked over a candle - and then caught himself on fire. So I guess it’s Steve’s New Year’s Repudiation to stop smoking…as it were/was.

Some people vow to drink less…but they’re usually drunk when they make that vow. Many folks vow to go to church more. They usually tell you this on Sunday morning during a football game. One guy told me he vowed to drink less coffee. That was me…I talk to myself, but rarely listen. These are all called Re-vow-lutions…and never happen.

Actually my New Year's Resolvition is to write better, clearer, concisier and more funny and life-fulfilling blogs. Not a good start. I apologize. Maybe in 2010. Agreed?

---g



Fun Fact of the Day: 87% of all statistics are incorrect. The other 16% are correct. I double checked the math myself. - It’s true, Look it up.