Seriously...

"Why so serious?" - The Joker


I am rarely serious. Sometimes it’s necessary to try…I guess…but I try to limit those periods to now and thenly. My father once asked me “When are you going to take life seriously?” Who knows…and who wants to. No question mark….that was a statement? Ok…there ya go.

One of my motorcycle wrecks brought the pavement up from the flat surface where it was supposed to remain and applied it to my face. I remember not remembering. I was a bloody mess…but was in a good mood, actually, for someone who didn’t know who they were. The cop that showed up, and trensemently called the amblance...add a u if you want, was wiping my face off and talking to me in gibberish. I don’t know why they would hire an officer that spoke Klingon….but my concussionated mind told me that that’s what is was. I spoke back to him in Klingon…but he couldn’t understand me because I was speakin’ Bronx Klingon - a different dialect. It was very confusing…and fortunately the amblance siren – add a u if you want - drowndeded out the Kling-versation.

I do remember being in the back of the amblance – add a u if you want – and having the doctor/guy with the drugs talking to the other medic-guy as he was writing on his pad.

“Minor abrasions.” He consueloed.

“Can ya call ‘em scratches?” I asked. “Sounds better.”

“Minor contusions.” He stribated.

“Can ya call ‘em bruises?” I constipated “Sounds better.”

“One deep laceration….ew!” He continued.

“Can ya call it a cut?” I pontiered. “Sounds bette…hey!..whatya mean ew?! How bad is it!?”

Sometimes life throws stuff at ya that makes ya say ‘poor me.’ Get over it.

I guess there are some things that happen to all of us that should be taken seriously. Addictions aren’t funny…unless it’s addiction to comedy. Tragedy isn’t funny…unless it happens to someone else…then point and laugh. Kidding!...ok, I’m not. Depression is depressing…and although not contagious medically…is contagious by association. If you’re hanging around someone whose conversation always spirals downward…get ‘em a bus ticket to Whereyaain’tville.com.

Goin’ back to the motorcycle wreck…I went to the hospital...they stitched me up…I went home…got back on my bike and over the years got into a few more wrecks. Just broken bones..and broken pride.

Nothing too serious.

--g


Fun fact of the day: A little known fact that only Star Wars fans know is that Captain Kirk is actually Luke Skywalker's Grandfather. It's true...look it up.

First Day In Heaven......

First Day In Heaven.....
------------------------


Knock-knock-knock…..I lightly knocked on the massive door.

"Hello?….God, ya in there?” I asked holding my ear up to the door. “St. Peter told me this was the right room."

(From other side of door) "Hang on…be right there." Came the booming voice.

After a brief pause there came the sound of a flushing toilet, then sink water running.

(The door opens. God steps out drying his hands)

"How can I help ya, son?" God says walking past me and heading back to his other throne.

"Um….just got killed….need to ask you a few questions." I replied

"Really?….How'd it happen?" God asks…eyebrows raised.

"I figured you'd know….." I said…somewhat surprised. "Anyway, people always told me to watch out for cars while I'm walking downtown. Got hit by a handi-cap van, knocked me into an ambulance and finally a hearse ran me over."

"Kind of ironic, no? ..and I guess that would explain the bandages….and the crutches." God said with a chuckle.

"Yeah I figured they'd disappear once I got up here. What, am I in a cartoon?"

No answer.

"Anyway….couple questions for you, God…about the state of Earth down there. Um…by the way. I heard a toilet flush in that other room. Do you …well, you know..?"

"Made all you humans in my own image…don't you read the Bible." God answered.

"Yeah…but, when you flush – where does it go?" I asked.

"New Jersey – Fresno, California and a little town called Nampa, Idaho…ever heard of it?" God answered.

"No." I lied..not wanting to admit it. "So, back to what I was asking…..what's up with earth? All the people fighting…cheating…killing each other. Plus I have so many smaller questions – such as why is it that most DSL subscribers have such low IQ s….and Robin Williams…How'd he get famous? The guy's not even funny?"

"He had a deal with the Devil on that one. Not my fault. Can't stand the man myself." God answered shaking his head. "The rest of the world?…Well I sent my kid down there and you guys killed him.

"Ya mean Jesus?" I asked.

"Yeah….still can't believe I gave him a Mexican name." God said, staring into space and shaking his head. "He's a Jew!…..Shoulda called him Jerry….like that Steinfield character."

“Seinfeld.”

“Whatever.”

"Uh…yeah…anyway back to the Earth's situation." I continued. "What's with all the trouble and chaos and destruction and what about all them dang Mormons?"

"Ah…the Mormons." God said, laughing. "Quite a few years ago I invested in Schwinn stock and I needed a way to drive up the price so I got that Joseph Smith guy to start that religion. He was pretty heavy into the whole Amway thing and could talk people into anything. He used to sell used horses before I recruited him for the whole LDS thing."

"Seems to me you should have invested in underwear…What's the story there with them wearing the special undies?" I inquired.

"Ever heard of 'The Devil Wears Prada'?" God continued. "….Prada makes all the Mormon underwear and Beelzebub gets the profits on that one. Had to kick him down a few bucks now and then. Besides the Mormons have a whole wing here in heaven….all the buildings look alike though. Kind of like their churches down there on earth.”

"Makes sense." I thought out loud. "You asked me earlier if I read my Bible….so is that really your book?"

"Yeah…I wrote most of it through those disciples. Matthew, Mark, Luke and what was the other guy….um…was it Ringo? I forget." God said looking up to the right like he was searching his brain.

"John." I answered.

"Right, John." God continued. "How could I forget him. Nice guy……lotsa hair…smelled like a dwarf. Anyway…those guys did my writing for me but then the whole thing went to the interpreters…through production…to the final edit….and well, it's just like Hollywood – when the final product came out it was a bit confusing."

"Yeah…I can see that. I've read some books…and then have seen the movie..nothing alike." I said…not really knowing why I said that. "So what's the thing with Adam and Eve and the story about throwing a fruit tree in the middle of their play area and then telling them they can have anything they want except the fruit on the tree...and if they take some fruit you're gonna fry ‘em in fire for eternity?"

"Yeah...I was kind of PMSing that day....you know, being God...I am part woman." He added.

I stared at Him blankly for a moment, then continued. "Isn't that kind of like me taking a couple of my kids and putting them in a room all by themselves....then throwing a plate of cookies in the center or the table....then telling them they can play with anything in the room, just don't eat the cookies.....then walking out and leaving them unsupervised? Of COURSE they're gonna eat the cookies!" I screamed as I looked at him with disbelief.

"Well that was Old Testament stuff ya know." God said, shrugging his mighty shoulders. "I had a lot going on back then. I was adding a wing on ta Heaven...the contractor was behind in his work and his bill came in twenty percent over his original estimate. I swear he snuck up here from Hell." God continued with his back to me, staring out the window towards the pearly gates. "I fixed a lot of that stuff with my grace teaching in the New Testament."

"Grace teaching?" I asked.

"Yeah...you know... 'by grace you be saved through faith...not of yo’selves..it's the gift of God...etc. etc...... hmmm never read it?" God looked perplexed as if everyone knew about that.

"I've heard it many times, because I’m a preacher’s kid....but I'll guarantee you ninety percent of humans have never heard of it down on your earth there." I added.

Just then Saint Peter came in. "Excuse me God.....can I have a quick word with you?"

"Yeah sure, Pete....whuttup?" God asked.

"Big earthquake in San Francisco. Gonna be expecting a few hundred people in a bit here. Where should we put them?" Saint Peter asked.

"Hmm.....well they'll probably be mostly gay so get a bunch of the frilly wings ready. Many of em will be surprised they made it up here...as usual."

"Very well, Sir." St. Peter replied as he turned to leave.

"Oh...one more thing, Pete." God continued. "Put up that sign that says ‘Welcome to the Westborough Baptist Church Picnic’ - That always freaks them out." God slapped his huge god-shaped knee and gave a riotous laugh.

"You are the king of practical jokes sir." St. Peter said as he walked out and closed the huge door behind him.

"Where were we?" God said turning his attention back to me.

"Well....I have a whole bunch of questions for you, but I guess I have an eternity to ask them, huh?" I said to him as he sat there looking at me.

"Tell ya what...." God said as he walked over to me and wrapped his huge hand around my shoulder and walked me towards the door. "If you ever have any questions...just ask. I'm always here for you. A lot of people have the wrong impression of me...either through how they were brought up, or how the TV or books portray me.... or how others have supposedly spoken for me. If you want to know about me...talk to me yourself. Ask me questions and I'll answer you...one way or another."

I felt much better. I walked towards the door and headed out to the rest of heaven. There were no more bandages on me, my crutches were gone. I felt like a kid again. I saw everything in a different light. I stepped out onto the beautiful street of gold, looked to the right and then to the left just as a huge bus was coming toward me. "Not again!" I thought. Then I felt a huge hand pull me back onto the curb as the bus went swooshing by.

"You're not a very quick learner, are you?" God said as he released his grip on me, turned and walked away down the street, throwing his head back and sending out a booming laugh.



Fun Fact of the Day: If ya can't laugh at yourself....laugh at other people. If other people laugh at you....there must be a reason. Fix it. I finally sold my propeller hat....and now I point and laugh at the person who bought it.

OTL.......Over The Line.........

Over the line….Let’s see how many times I can offend….or at least write the word.


What type of humor is ‘Over The Line’…? How far can ya go with views and comments before people get hurt, upset or offended? I guess I’ll find out.

There are some things that are funny to one group of people that may not be funny to another. Some people are looking for ways to get hurt or offended. They listen to what a person says and immediately think of some way that it offends them…or they are ‘standing up’ for some other person or group. I hope those people die. Ok…maybe I just got under someone’s skin with that statement.

I commented on a picture awhile ago that was an offensive picture to many people, if not most people. I didn’t realize (for some unknown reason) that it would end up on many pages…..and although I didn’t get any feedback…..I think silently people were offended. I thought it was a funny picture…and a funny comment. We won’t go back over it.

There are some things that are a bit Over The Line. If someone loses a pet in terrible plane or boating accident…you don’t tell them “At least ya ain’t gotta pick up poop any more from that smelly little hound.” …or…. “Hey….ya ain’t usin’ them little bowls anymore….can I have them?” …or worse….point and laugh and say “Ha ha…you’re petless!” Most would agree that this would be OTL.

But what about commenting on something like an ugly shirt? With a close friend you can say something like “I remember when those were in style.” …or….”Nice shirt…do they make them in men’s?” or Curt’s favorite… “So…did you lose a bet?” All old standards…..but these don’t hurt feelings or make people cry. If softball comments such as these cause you psychological harm…..you need counseling and should live in a rubber truck.

Now and then I see a picture…or read a line to which I really, really, really want to add a comment….and have to stop and think… “..hmm…that would be going too far..” and then I usually type away. Sometimes I don’t….which is good for all. So I just gotta say… for all the people that read my comments and find them offensive or OTL….be sure to let me know….because secretly…or not so secretly….I hope you die. Too far?

--g




Grant’s Fun Fact: There were originally 67 books of the Bible. The book of Seuss which had a verse that said “It would please us, Jesus, if you would cure us of our diseases.” - It's true. Look it up.

I think I'm losing it......

Have you ever lost something? Stupid question…..of course you have.

I’ve lost many things. Car keys…TV remote controls…cigarette lighters. Yeah, I used to smoke many years ago. I smoked for about 10 years. That’s about 520 weeks. That’s about 520 lighters. I know you smokers/ex-smokers know what I mean. There was NO way to keep one of those plastic Bic lighters. You’d buy a green one on Tuesday…lose it on Saturday…be walking down the street on Sunday afternoon and find a red one in the gutter. The guy who lost that one will find someone else’s blue one the following Wednesday. It’s the rule of the Bic Lighter Lost and Found. BLLF for short. Sorry…best I could do.

So we all lose things. Today I lost a blender. Yep….a blender. “A blender?” You ask. YES!! A #$%^& blender! Pay attention. Today I lost a blender. First it was I had ‘misplaced’ the blender….but after looking in all of the obvious places – such as the cupboards….the pantry and the hamper, I changed ‘misplaced’…to ‘lost’.

I’ve never lost something like a blender before. I’ve lost some weird things. One time I lost one of the Steves. (Remember all of my sons are named Steve.) We lost one of the Steves at the mall. We finally found him a couple weeks later in the hardware section of Sears. He was fine….and he really didn’t want to leave. That’s my boy….made me proud. They made us take him home anyway. Dang Commies.

So…back to the blender. After checking all the normal places where a blender would hang out I started checking the really weird spots. The trunk of the car, the back yard under the BBQ, the neighbor’s dog house, the mailbox, under the sofa (hey, maybe it got wet and shrunk). I still don’t know where the blender went….all I know is I lost it.

So today I am going to sit back and ponder how a blender can disappear. How a big black plastic and glass thing with a cord can mysteriously disappear without a trace. The only thing I can think of is that while some other people or things were leaving my house one day, it just left with them….and we didn’t notice because it did such a great job of ‘blending’ in.

Lord I want to apologize for that joke…if you will just give me my blender back.

---

Fun Fact of the day: The setting on a blender marked ‘Puree’ is kind of like the guitar amp in Spinal Tap going to 11. It really doesn’t mean anything. It’s true – look it up.

What the #$%^ is love all about?

Why do people fall in love?

What is it that makes one person love another person? Have you ever walked through a Walmart and looked at a couple and wondered “What did she see in him?”…or “What did he see in her?” Or…."Dang…..she has a thicker beard than he does!”

What I mean is….what causes one person to fall in love with another? Is it similarities? “Hey…I live in a van down by the river and love pancakes….you live in a tent and like road kill…let’s merge.” Or….”Hey, you drive a pickup truck….I like getting drunk and passing out in the back of pickup trucks….we should hang out.”

Maybe it’s just hanging around each other for a long time. Ya go to work and see each other every day. Pretty soon you start talking to each other because nobody else will. Then ya meet in the break room….share stories…..then share the same coffee cup….then ya just get to the point where you’re so sick of each other you might as well get married and have ugly kids.

Have ya ever fallen so in love with someone that every moment he or she permeates your thoughts…that it drives ya crazy that ya can’t be with him or her every day…that you can’t talk with him or her. Every day you are so much in love with that person that it makes you sick?! Me neither. Ok I lied. I hate that feeling.

Love is wonderful and not on purpose. That’s why it’s called ‘falling in love’. It just happens. Like tripping on a rock….like stubbing your toe on a concrete block….like waking up naked in a raccoon cage at the petting zoo. It happens to all of us sooner or later.

I watch my boys with their dating and the good times and bad times it brings to them. The many hours of pain they will deal with as they go through break-ups and other normal parts of dating. I’ll console them and tell them it’ll be ok…then I’ll point and laugh and tell them we all have to go through it - while they cry their eyes out. I’ll warn them not to let their tears get on the couch because we just had it cleaned….then get them a towel soaked with chloroform. That way at least they’ll pass out and not have to deal with the heartache. I’m such a good Dad.

Depending on your perspective – your past experience – or your present experience – love is wonderful….or love sucks. I’m sorry if you have fallen in love and lost. I’m very happy for you if you have fallen in love and won. All in all it’s a pretty weird phenomenonandonandon.

--g

Fun fact for the day: ……”It’s better to have loved and lost then to have been stuck with the hairy lady at Walmart.”